Short Funny Quotes!

Short Funny Quotes from Famous People

- What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright (born1955) U.S. Academy Award-winning comedian, actor, writer

- 640K ought to be enough for anybody.
Bill Gates (born 1955) U.S. billionaire business magnate, in 1981

- I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
Charles M. Schulz (1922-2000) U.S. cartoonist best known for Peanuts

- Finally, in conclusion, let me say just this.
Peter Sellers (1925-1980) English comedian, actor

- Men have four legs: food, food, sex and food.
Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn (born 1928) U.K. journalist

- Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes.
Joseph Addison (1672-1719) English essayist, poet, politician

- I think making love is the best form of exercise.
Cary Grant (1904-1986) English-born Hollywood film star

- Walking is good for you! It... contains vitamins!
Gracie Allen (1895-1964) U.S. comedian

- Getting up early is a triumph of mind over mattress.
Gayland Anderson, contemporary U.S. president of SeniorTravelGenie.com

- First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Doctor Who (the time-travelling hero of a British sci-fi TV show)

- I can't stand water because of the things fish do in it.
W.C. Fields (1880-1946) U.S. comedian, actor

- What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?
Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956) German poet, playwright, theatre director

- The most efficient labour-saving device is still money.
Franklin P. Jones (1887-1929) U.S. businessman

- All technology should be assumed guilty until proven innocent.
David Brower (1912-2000) U.S. environmentalist

Short Funny Quotes from Unknown Sources

- In dog years, I'm dead.

- A backward poet writes inverse.

- Honk if you love peace and quiet.

- Absence makes the heart go wander.

- How is it possible to have a civil war?

- Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.

- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algae-bra?

Short Funny Definitions

- Willy-nilly: Impotent

- Lymph: To walk with a lisp

- Glibido: All talk and no action

- Pokemon: A Rastafarian proctologist

- Gargoyle: Olive-flavoured mouthwash

- Aibohphobia: The fear of palindromes

- Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline

- Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter

- Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs

- Testicle: A humorous question on an exam

- Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

- Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk

~ End of Short Funny Quotes ~