- All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work. Steve Martin (born 1945) U.S. actor, comedian, writer, playwright, producer
- I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. Jack Benny (1894-1974) U.S. comedian, vaudevillian, actor
- Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. R. A. Dickson (details unknown)
- They say the grass is greener on the other side, but have you ever flipped it over? Source unknown
- Intelligence is like underwear; everyone should have it, but we shouldn't show it off. Gene Petret (details unknown)
- Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. Charles M. Schulz (1922-2000) U.S. cartoonist best known for Peanuts
- The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't. Henry Ward Beecher (1813-1887) U.S. Congregationalist clergyman, social reformer, abolitionist
- The difference between the British and Americans is, Americans think a hundred years is a long time, and the British think a hundred miles is a long drive. Source unknown
- You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so f---ing funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny. Steve Martin (born 1945) U.S. actor, comedian, writer, playwright, producer
Steve Martin, the wild and crazy guy, performing at the LA Universal Amphitheatre in 1979:
- I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. (Oh not deprived, but rather underprivileged.) Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary. Jules Feiffer (born 1929) cartoonist, novelist, playwright
Hilarious Quotes about Behaviour
- "Veni, Vidi, Velcro"—I came; I saw; I stuck around. Larry Adams (details unknown)
- I believe in practising prudence at least once every two or three years. Molly Ivins (1944-2007) U.S. columnist, political commentator, humorist, author
- The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. Franklin P. Jones (1887-1929) U.S. businessman
- Degeneracy can be fun but it's hard to keep up as a serious lifetime occupation. Robert M. Pirsig (born 1928) U.S. philosopher, novelist
- You know you're a MAC addict when... you build your house without Windows or Gates. Source unknown
Hilarious Quotes about Business
- The media. It sounds like a convention of spiritualists. Sir Tom Stoppard (born 1937) Czechoslovakian-born U.K. playwright
- What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public. Vilhjalmur Stefansson (1879-1962) Canadian anthropologist, Arctic explorer
- An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed, the Managing Director’s chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl’s chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director face on). Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn (born 1928) U.K. journalist
Hilarious Quotes about Drinking
- An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. Dylan Thomas (1914-1953) Welsh poet, writer
- It is better to hide ignorance, but it is hard to do this when we relax over wine. Heraclitus (c. 535-c. 475 BCE) Greek philosopher
- I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake... which I also keep handy. W.C. Fields (1880-1946) U.S. comedian, actor
- Whilst travelling through the Andes Mountains, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days. W.C. Fields (1880-1946) U.S. comedian, actor
- To die in a pub is my dearest plan With my mouth to the tap as close as I can. Then the angels would say when the singing began “Oh Lord please show mercy to this boozy man.” John Dryden (1631-1700) English poet, literary critic, translator, playwright
Hilarious Quotes about Drugs
- I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson (1937-2005) U.S. journalist, author
- I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening—or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, mid-evening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-mid-afternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning… But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that. Steve Martin (born 1945) U.S. actor, comedian, writer, playwright, producer
Hilarious Quotes about Exercise
- Walking isn't a lost art—one must, by some means, get to the garage. Evan Esar (1899–1995) U.S. humorist
- Whenever the impulse to exercise comes over me, I lie down until it passes away. J. P. McEvoy (1897-1958), U.S. writer
- I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers (born 1933) U.S. comedian, actress, talk-show host, businesswoman
- The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back. Franklin P. Jones (1887-1929) U.S. businessman
Hilarious Quotes about Food
- The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. George Miller (1941-2003) U.S. stand-up comedian
Hilarious Quotes about Health
- A bleached blonde has a real problem in a nudist camp... Gayland Anderson, contemporary U.S. president of SeniorTravelGenie.com
- If I had my way I'd make health catching instead of disease. Robert G. Ingersoll (1833–1899) U.S. social activist, orator
- You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax; tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. Pearl Williams (1914-1991) American comedian
Hilarious Quotes about Life
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. Source unknown
- When I was born I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year-and-a-half. Gracie Allen (1895-1964) U.S. comedian
- Nothing makes your clothes go out of fashion faster than getting a raise. Source unknown
- It may be irrational of me, but human beings are quite my favourite species. Doctor Who (the time-travelling hero of a British sci-fi TV show)
This is the 1967 opening to Dr. Who. Reminds me of my childhood!
- They call television a medium. That's because it is neither rare nor well done. Source unknown
- Recession: A period when you go without things your grandparents never heard of. Source unknown
- A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers. Source unknown
- Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. Franklin P. Jones (1887-1929) U.S. businessman
- As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. Hagar the Horrible (started 1973) U.S. comic strip hero
Hilarious Quotes about Love
- Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener. Source unknown
- Life is one fool thing after another. Love is two fool things after each other. Source unknown
- I think love and sex are separate and only vaguely similar. Like the word bear and the word bare. You can get in trouble mistaking one for the other. Harlan Ellison (born 1934) U.S. writer
- The great tragedy of my life is that in my search for the Holy Grail everyone calls True Love, I see myself as Zorro, a romantic and mysterious highwayman—and the women I desire see me as Porky Pig. Harlan Ellison (born 1934) U.S. writer
Hilarious Quotes about Men
Before you read the quotes, PLEASE watch this video. It’s Morecambe and Wise, a wonderful 20th-century Brit comic double-act, making brekky to The Stripper music! Hysterical!!!
- If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle. Rita Mae Brown (born 1944) U.S. writer, activist
- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent. Source unknown
- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer. Source unknown
- If a man says something in the middle of a forest and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? Source unknown
Hilarious Quotes about Politics
- Under Capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the opposite. John Kenneth Galbraith (1908-2006) Canadian-American economist
- The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop (period) after the “Dr” on a Dr Pepper can. (Source unknown)
- The next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please, pay attention. Molly Ivins (1944-2007) U.S. columnist, political commentator, humorist, author
- It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it—the Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo. Steve Martin (born 1945) U.S. actor, comedian, writer, playwright, producer—after Moore's speech at the 75th Academy Awards
Hilarious Quotes about Reality
- Code of the west: Never squat while wearing spurs. Source unknown
- No matter that we may mount on stilts, we still must walk on our own legs. And on the highest throne in the world, we still sit only on our own bottom. Michel de Montaigne (1533-1592) French Renaissance philosopher, humanist, author
- Why is it that in the movies or television, no one ever makes an error while typing? And they always find a parking place right in front of where they are going? Alan Cohen (born 1950s) U.S. personal development/success teacher, author
Hilarious Quotes about Religion
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Source unknown
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. Source unknown
- Religion is for those who fear hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there... Source unknown
- If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. Thomas Szasz (born 1920) Hungarian-American psychiatrist, academic
- The trouble with so many born-again people is that you wish they hadn’t been born the first time. Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn (born 1928) U.K. journalist
- There's no Church of England fundamentalism. We can't have Church of England fundamentalism. You know, like they have Islamic fundamentalism. Jihad!... Aha... Church of England fundamentalism is impossible because you can't have: "You must have tea and cake with the vicar... or you die!" Eddie Izzard (born 1962) English stand-up comedian, actor
Here's Eddie Izzard doing stand-up about religion:
- It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion—you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary... But, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything any more if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch. Steve Martin (born 1945) U.S. actor, comedian, writer, playwright, producer
Hilarious Quotes about Science
- The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity. Harlan Ellison (born 1934) U.S. writer
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Source unknown
- The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. Mark Russell (born 1932) U.S. political satirist/comedian
- If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind. Source unknown
- Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. Calvin, six-year-old character in the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip, by Bill Watterson
Hilarious Quotes about Women
- Put yourself in my shoes. No, you cannot actually, I have thousands of them. Celine Dion (born 1968) French-Canadian singer
- Does Mary Poppins have an orgasm? Does she go to the bathroom? I assure you, she does. Julie Andrews (born 1935) English film/stage actress, singer, who played Mary Poppins
- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. Source unknown
- The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost. (Source unknown)
- When it comes to housework, the one thing no book of household management can ever tell you is how to begin. Or maybe I mean why. Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn (born 1928) U.K. journalist
